Goodbyes.

I am never good with goodbyes. Especially when saying goodbye is the most right thing to do at the moment.
I have an attachment problem. I get attached to people easily, and when it's time to let them go, that's the hardest point in my life. Time? Time will heal, but my heart will always ache just by remembering the days spent together.

I finally understand now that all these wonderful while, I had bred hatred and agony in the heart of someone. Through all those laughter, fights and joy, the person had actually loathe me from the very beginning. And only now I understand why.

I have to say goodbye to that person now, for that person had already made it clear that that person is already very fed up with me and my ways. This is actually the hardest and the most painful goodbye I had ever experienced. Why? Because we are saying goodbye because of anger and frustration. There's like no love and warmth in this kind of goodbye.

All I want at the moment is for that person to accept my deepest and sincerest apology for making that person turn this way.
That person now can't even tolerate me being in the same room, and breathing the same air as that person's self. And, that is like, so wrong in so many ways. Why? Because that person taught me that forgiveness and acceptance is something crucial in dakwah and tarbiyyah. Why doesn't that person practice that after teaching me that?

I am in pain. Very. But this is for the best. There will be no more laughter shared together, no more sitting down in the same group again, no more contacting (unless for important matters -- cause there are still commitments that we share together.), no more anything. Turning our relationship into the phase of acquaintances is the most painful thing for me. After what the person had promised me, after what the person had told me before, after what that person had made me feel...

It is fair for this to happen. It is.
But, give me time to savour this goodbye. Give me time to make things right first before we say goodbye thoroughly. I don't want to let anger and hatred of me stay in that person's heart.

I'm beginning a new life without someone who I had thought would always be there for me... Who I thought would always say that they love me and will support me, no matter what I do. Who I thought was very awesome. And that person is still awesome to me.

But, I really don't want to say goodbye like this. I really don't...