The next phase...

When talking about the next phase, I always shed tears, and my heart aches every time I began to think about it. Clearly, everyone knows just how much a priority it is for me regarding this 'next phase'. Truly, it is.

To be honest, I was supposed to step up into that next phase 3 years ago, at the age of 18. But, Allah is indeed the most Magnificent in His planning. That plan did not go as planned. No details here, but it left me broken hearted. It really took me a year to finally get over it, but it's okay. Now at the age of (almost) 20, I understand why Allah made that to happen.

one day, for sure. =')

After a year of feeling all broken hearted and depressed, I woke up and began to hope again. Hoping that maybe, after a year, my time to enter that next phase will come soon. Each passing day makes this priority even stronger, and with each passing day, I cry and make prayers to Allah, asking and pouring my heart out to Him saying "If THIS priority is beneficial to me and my ummah, my future and everything else that is good, then please let THIS priority be of ease to me. My heart is yours to hold, and if one day something relating to THIS isn't as to what I had hoped for, then help me to calm my heart and to accept it with redha."

Right now, at this exact moment, only Allah knows just how much this really means to me.

Only He knows and understands as to why this is a priority to me.

I'm not here to brag, or to show off, or to even seek attention. No.

But here's the thing...

People had often asked me, "What have you prepared yourself to go into the next phase? Are you sure you're qualified? Are you confident that you can survive? You should graduate degree first, get a career, only then you can start thinking about this. You're still young. Enjoy your teenage and young adult's life first."

(Sigh)

To be honest, I do not like to spend my time aimlessly, and idly. Why? Well, let's just say that the possibility for me to be insane with too many times in hand and too little commitments and too many 'distractions' (if you get what I mean) is pretty high. I know why I want to enter the next phase, and it is not because I feel lonely. No!! It is because I know that my goals and aims will be much easier (with the ease and will from Allah), and I know that by stepping up into the next phase, I will be in good hands (again, with the ease and will from Allah).

My goals for this priority is not entirely for me, but it is for much more than me. It is not entirely for me.

Now I know what kak Amalina felt like when I read her blog post last month. (Sad face)

Pray for me. My heart knows that this is what I want, and this is what I need.

Allahumma yassir wa la tu'assir...